Wrasslin’! ‘Sploitation!

23Dec05

Sometime around eleven at night, J-Com channel 602 (i.e. Mondo21) becomes a fine purveyor of some of the strangest pornographic television shows that I’ve ever seen. The usual stock in trade consists of some kawaii young woman in a bikini walking up and down the beach and giggling while the camera ogles her from various angles. A video/photo album is always advertised at the end of the free teaser sequence, though you’re sure to be disappointed if you actually think that you’ll end up viewing the model/idol with clothes off. Occasionally there will be a video show with half naked women rolling around to various qualities of pop music, and sometimes there is a segment in which a female announcer shows clips of hardcore pornographic films (available for purchase, natch) with a costume change between each segment.

What first alerted me to the all-time strangeness of these shows, however, was the show in which seven women dressed in French maid outfits were sent on “missions” by a pair of voices — one that sounded like Alvin from the Chipmunks or Tweety on helium, and another that did a pretty good imitation of the Wizard of Oz on vocorder. As far as I could tell all that this show consisted of was a couple of the women in French maid outfits wandering around in public places while the Voices gave them instructions and they giggled a lot. And when I say “instructions” I don’t even mean sexy instructions. I mean instructions like “Go to the supermarket and buy some eggplant.” Giggle giggle. Cue extended sequence of women in French maid outfits in a supermarket buying ingredients and giggling while the other patrons pass by with a kind of “Huh?” expression attached to their faces.

So the other night, J. and I were kicking it in front of the tele on a particularly wastelandish evening for cable when we came across some female bikini wrestling on the ol’ 602. As far as I could tell this was called something like “Action-X Lovers, Action-X Killers” or thereabouts. The first round simply involved your typical two-women-in-the-the-ring kind of thing, but the second round, featuring the star wrestlers of the show, was stellar. For the first act you had the yukata contest where the judge came out and commented extensively on the women’s yukatas (this was reminiscent of a Miss Universe pageant). The second act consisted of the women drawing pen-and-ink portraits of the judge — probably a reference to the art of calligraphy — that both looked like insane cartoon Picassos from Mars. In fact, these drawings were really great, and I wish I could get my hands on one. For the third act the yukatas came off and the wrestling began. The wrestling was clearly entirely ersatz — even more so than most WWF-type staged wrestling — and was pretty entertaining because the wrestlers, except for the couple of moments of obligatory “wrestle pain,” spent the entire match laughing.

Because J. wanted some screen shots for her blog, “Pancakes For Everyone” (not yet operative), I ran upstairs to get my camera. Because of the dark-line framing that results from television broadcast frequencies I ended up getting some of the eeriest photographs I’ve ever taken — photographs that remind me of a kind of crossbreeding of Lynchian excess and Ringu on ketamine. I’ve posted three of my favorites below, but you can see the whole series at

Most awful and strange wrasslin’ slideshow.

When J.’s friend Dan came to stay for a few days, we came across even more glorious girly action on the 602. This time it was three women in Santa outfits cruising public streets with vidcams on their heads trying to convince groups of passersby that it would be a good idea to touch their legs and perhaps join them later on in the evening. Merry Christmas everyone!



2 Responses to “Wrasslin’! ‘Sploitation!”

  1. 1 sintalentos

    damn, t, those tapes were supposed to be private.

  2. 2 Trane DeVore

    Ummm. Whoops.


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